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It was his smile that struck me. I had been following him on social media for quite some time. His calm, grown, & sexy demeanor on his posts and in his stories was mesmerizing. He didn’t seem to have any red flags on his page, which should’ve been one to begin with, but naively… I fell.
Knowing that we were both Scorpios created this insatiable tension within me. I knew that we could never truly be together but I was curious at how passionate a friendship between us could be. We were, by nature, both irresistibly magnetic, innately loyal, and passionately sexual. In my mind, this was the kinda connection I needed to revive myself from years of celibacy. A connection that wouldn’t end up being a long draining relationship full of drama and strain.
I envisioned it modeling after a romance from years before where we never needed words to communicate with each other. We only ever let our bodies do the talking. He’d call for me or I’d call for him and we’d show up for the other every time. No games, no dates, no deep intellectual conversations… we’d just fuck each other tirelessly. We never complicated things by questioning if we were meant for more with each other. It was just pure, unfiltered, passionate fucking and deep down I wanted that again.
The consort had that kind of mystery about him. He seemed like a man that could fuck me the way I needed it and keep it under wraps. So I pursued him. It started with a simple joke with sexual innuendo. It peaked his interest when I showed him that side of me because I was a real stranger to him. Something I should’ve foreseen being a problem in the future, given the state of the world & relationships today lacking authenticity. But he bit, and soon he’d find that my sweetness was genuine. I showered him with gifts, uplifted him with words of affirmation, and even flexed my femininity to him by performing submission rituals for him. A dangerous game I was playing, doing all that for a man that didn’t know me from a can of paint and wasn’t connected to me or my life in any real way. I was a mystery to him and although it intrigued him, it also is what drove him away in the end.
After a couple of missed opportunities, the night had finally come where our bodies would meet. It was a hot August night and the air was thick with tension and passion. I drove to him which offered a sense of protection for me and a sense of control for him. We both were nervous about what this would finally look like now that we were meeting in real life. I brought everything I could to take the edge off us both… liquor and smoke. We didn’t end up needing either though.
In his kitchen, I stood still for moment… shy. I looked over at him, dick out and erect, nervous… wondering if I had gotten myself into something that I wasn’t ready for after years of being emotionally regulated by isolation. “Don’t act shy now” his voice thundered, cracking the silence that was consuming me internally. As a divine feminine, donning my beads and with full authority over my sexuality, I bent to his will. His command and sternness threw me into a tizzy. I couldn’t hold back sexually from him the way I had originally planned. I didn’t intend to open myself up to him as deeply as I did on night one but it was like cosmically, it was meant for him to bring that side of me back into the light.
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Stepping into my womanhood fully and authentically has made me absolutely feral. Despite still being mostly sexually inactive, my fantasies still run amuck in my brain nearly every minute of every day. I can be in the middle of my work day and suddenly, my pussy will throb… sending me spiraling. Or in the middle of a homework assignment, I’ll have a flashback of me taking dick that sends a chill up my spine and distracts me from my tasks. I’ve felt these urges immensely before, but, women hardly ever talk about it how they takeover your fucking life when your biological clock starts ticking…
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After finally coming out of my shell a short while ago, I was quickly faced with the reality of the world again. Although I may have been healed and eager to experience life again, that didn’t guarantee that I’d be met with a world as open, loving, and honest. I naively went into a new terrain in my life where I wasn’t closed off in closed off spaces anymore… I was open entering closed off spaces.
A person who is closed off entering spaces that are closed off (trauma-ridden hearts, places, and things) is rarely affected deeply by the weight of other things that are closed off. Plainly stated, it’s hard to be affected by the trauma of other things and people when you’re so trapped in your own trauma that you can’t even begin to try and process the indirect trauma around you. For example, someone who is jealous, vindictive, and/or self-centered will go into a nightclub and feel insecure, angry, and defensive. This is because this person is unhealed and can only see themselves. So they self doubt, sabotage, and wallow in their own misery not ever considering how the energy around them is affecting them directly.
Once you’re healed entering these spaces, if you aren’t spiritually sound and aware, you become a vessel of energy for those unhealed things to feed off of. Going back to the example, someone who is healed will enter a club with the desire to dance, make friends, and enjoy a libation. But, if they’re surrounded by people and music that is reflective of the unhealed version of themselves, it has the potential to trigger those same feelings that a person once healed from. You can feel the gaze of the insecure. You can feel the heat coming off the angry. If you don’t practice discernment or remove yourself from those environments, it’s easy for those things to re-pierce your soul and make you closed off again.
Recently, I attempted to explore relations with a man who was unhealed as a healed woman. Without going into too much detail, I gave him access, love, and positive energy. Unfortunately, because he was an unhealed man, I was met with manipulation, lies, and disarray. Although my heart was open at the inception of our relations, his callousness, coldness, and cruelty sowed doubt in me with each interaction. I began questioning my worth again, believing the lies he’d say, and even letting him borrow currency despite my own spirit advising me against it.
It wasn’t until he attempted to disparage me publicly with a lie, in an effort to tear down my public reputation to protect his, that I realized that I wasn’t as healed as I had once thought. I openly set out seeking to be loved and for a brief moment was set back into my unsure, insecure self. All because I allowed myself to be in a space where the heart was closed but mine was open.
Now in this period of Soul Retrieval, returning back home to myself after the trauma of being around the unhealed, I have to take accountability for even being in that space in the first place. I knew after our first encounter that it would never work between us. Hell, I knew before our encounter that it wasn’t going to work. But this open heart of mine wanted to love him into being healed. So, subconsciously, the tether drained me. It drained me of positive energy, self-love, and money. Unfortunately, because of money and his refusal to close the loop on an unpaid debt, I’m still being drained by his unhealed energy. Thus, why I needed to address it head on and call back my energy. A liar and a thief has no dominion in my life. The lies he spread about me publicly will crumble under the weight of his deceitfulness and I will be vindicated. His theft of my funds will not bankrupt me. The cord is cut.
The lesson I’m taking away from this experience is… Once healed, going into spaces that are full of disarray, sorrow, and trauma will only set you back on your spiritual journey. Approaching an environment or situation with an open heart in any circumstances requires strength and the ability to recognize when it’s time to walk away and step back into your power. Because staying in unhealed spaces as someone who has done their shadow work only exposes you to the shadows of those who haven’t.
– Ebony Queen
Last week was the New Moon In Leo and I’ve never felt more like myself than I do here and now. Breaking out of my shell meant going through a deep tumultuous awakening in which I’ve talked about in this Awakening series since April now. It’s time, now more than ever, for me to step into the spotlight without fear. I’ve entered the third decade of my life with grace and poise. Now it’s time to really show my ass.
I’ve been trapped in a world of all the things that I couldn’t do for so long, I am a little nervous about what I am open to doing now that I can. I no longer conform to the heteronormativity of monogamy that has held me captive from my own passions and desires. I don’t subscribe to a religion where my deities love for me limits me from life. I am no longer drawn to relationships and friendships that drain me rather than reciprocating the love they receive. Breaking out of my shell has truly been about finally being okay with being perceived, correctly or incorrectly.
In life, the hardest thing to overcome is the fear of perception. We choose certain jobs because they look good to the world, not because that’s what we REALLY want to do. We stay in relationships that are superficial and unfulfilling because society teaches us it’s better to be with someone than to be alone. We dress and groom ourselves based on what society deems is fashionable and if you aren’t aligned with it, you’re deemed unfashionable publicly. Those who are able to break free of these stigmas and thought patterns are the ones who are able to reach for everything they dream of and achieve it. It’s because they can dance without fear of being seen, write without fear of what to say, and sing without fear of being heard.
How can we truly achieve our dreams if the ones we actually have are suppressed out of fear, rejection, and/or doubt? Personally writing, in many different forms, has always been a major part of my innate design. It’s been a guaranteed facet of my life that probably would’ve enhanced my life earlier had I felt the freedom to explore it more wholly sooner.
A great example of this right now is Beyonce. She recently (last night 7/26/2025) completed her Cowboy Carter Tour, the second installment of her 3 act album tour for Renaissance. Although to many of us, it seems as though Beyonce has always carried the confidence that we see her rock on stage, this era showed us a different perspective. Her country album was, in her own words via Instagram, “born out of an experience that I had years ago where I did not feel welcomed.” In 2016, Beyonce was invited to the Country Music Awards to perform her first country crossover track “Daddy Lessons” from her 2016 album Lemonade. Beyonce took that uncomfortable moment where she was made to feel unwelcome in a place where she and others knew she belonged and turned that ill will into her first AOTY Grammy win for Cowboy Carter.
As it applies to my own life, and maybe to yours too, the lesson here is that in order to be your most authentic self, its important to understand and be okay with knowing that someone else’s perception of you doesn’t make you who you are. We make ourselves who we are… and if we spent our whole life living for what others deemed appropriate, we’d never truly be happy. So in this next era of my own, after breaking out my shell, that’s my ultimate destination… Authentically Happy.
Ebony Queen
References
Beyoncé on Instagram: “act II cowboy Carter 3.29 today marks the 10-day countdown until the release of act II. (n.d.). Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/C4s6Zr7rlwA/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Beyoncé brings out destiny’s child for surprise reunion during final cowboy Carter show in Las Vegas. (2025, July 27). People.com. https://people.com/destinys-child-reunites-beyonce-final-show-las-vegas-11779800
Nytimes.com. (2016, November 4). The New York Times – Breaking News, US News, World News and Videos. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/04/arts/music/beyonce-cma-awards-backlash.html
Dropping Friday ✨
Being myself without the pressures of societal and familial expectations started out with me sitting in silence, alone, wondering who I am and what I wanted without those influences. Was college MY dream? Was I pursuing traditional monogamy because of MY desires or my indoctrination? Who was I outside of the titles that I carried daily… when I got home each day and stripped myself down to just me?
It was then that I realized I hadn’t really taken the time to learn and develop myself to my own standards. I wasn’t pursuing my dream job. I wasn’t wearing clothing and perfumes that I had REALLY chosen for myself. I wore what I liked, but mostly, what I thought others would like…. what I thought my conservative family with their piercing judgement may not make a negative comment about. What I thought would attract the type of men that I was “supposed” to attract. I wasn’t building towards the lifestyle I wanted. I was living in the reality that others seen for me.
Breaking free felt orgasmic… literally lol. I vibrated myself into oblivion. I shopped the stores for smells that pulsed off my body just the way I liked. I explored my kinks relentlessly. I donned different wigs to feel out which color felt like mine. I donated the clothes and furniture that weren’t my style. I developed my rituals according to my own desires. I finally showered myself with a kind of love I had never truly allowed myself to have…self-love.
Getting comfortable in my self-love wasn’t hard once I understood what it was and how it made me happy. It was hard for others. I had to set boundaries that cut people off from my expected empathy, unselfishness, and forgiveness. This angered some and made others distant. A few even disappeared. You never know how much a person truly values you until you can’t show up for them… whether it be the first time you’ve said no or the last time you said yes, some loyalty is always dependent upon transactions. For me? I had to let that go, no matter how much it hurt because either way it went… It was always me that was left carrying the pain.
I am throughly enjoying learning myself and growing into who I truly want to be. It’s not all shits and giggles though. It required letting the built up real, raw, heart wrenching emotion free. The disappointments, betrayals, and let-downs… I had to feel them before I could release them. But if I wanted to be comfortable… in my own skin, it was necessary.
Comfort isn’t just given or awarded to anyone. It’s yearned for… it’s earned. For the earliest half of my life, I was yearning… to just be me. Freely. But now, I am free…comfortably.
https://queendomentertainment.com/2025/04/30/awakening-ebony/
I’ve spent a lot of time staring at blankness. Blank pages in all the journals and notebooks with fancy covers that I’ve accumulated over the years… waiting for the words that align with the ones flying around in my mind to magically appear on the pages. Blank pages on computer screens… waiting for every story that lingers in my creative pockets to find its way out on its own. I’ve held back from so much in life… writing included. This year, I entered a phase of my life where I am refusing to keep holding back. I have to let go of all of my expectations and fears, and just live… Life is passing me by regardless of if I am nestled away comfortably in my shell or outside being the person I’m destined to be.
A lot has happened in the last few years. For the first time since 2013, I live alone. No roommates, no family, no man… just me and baby girl, day in and day out. For years, I carried around a deep anxiety that would sit in the pit of my stomach. It never seemed to go away entirely. If it wasn’t bellowing deep in my belly during a stressful situation, it was lingering behind when I was trying my absolute best to not feel it. I learned to suppress it as best I could, chalking it up to a social anxiety that I would just have to get used to carrying. Shockingly… as I grew into my new home, adding personal touches to make it my own, that pit began to melt away….
I found myself delving into passions that I had once forsaken for double employment, relationships, vices, and unresolved emotions. As I re-explored myself and my passions I was able to pinpoint things about myself that previously I wouldn’t have had the capacity to pay attention to. I was too busy being the listener for the talker, the do-er for the needy, and the friend that always put everyone else’s needs over her own. I lessened my light to make it easier for others to feel loved, heard, and comfortable around me. I never really got that in return… Now that I was living alone though, I could do anything and everything I ever wanted, without the weight of catering to another adult human being. I was discovering myself…
I’ve always know who I am, in a sense. But I never had the freedom to be my truest self without insecurity, judgement, or reservation. I kept myself from being the full extent of who I am deep down. I refrained from saying what I was really thinking. I’ve refused to go to places that I should’ve went. I am not doing that anymore.
In order to release and live, I needed to face myself. Throughout my years, I unknowingly carried traumas I didn’t even recognize. The largest being indoctrination. I believe everyone should have the freedom to express their love for God how they see fit. However, our society has brought us up to believe that everyone’s beliefs except their own are wrong. Without naming the organization (cause I’m just not ready for that yet), I too was the victim of a religion that enveloped me as a youth and warped my perspective of the world. Not to say that it was a bad religion or that it was evil. It just wasn’t what I believed in. I didn’t feel my connection to God through that type of congregation. But growing up in the midst of it, you learn that speaking up against it could get you in trouble you may not be ready for.
How did that indoctrination affect me in my youth? It kept me from self-love and self-pleasure. It shielded me from the real woes of life as a means of protection, which ultimately, just left me lost in the world. I knew the word of God and stories of the Bible, but that’s not the world I was met with. I couldn’t maneuver life healthily because I was taught that you had to remain perfect even though the world was doomed from the start. This crippled my emotions, my dreams, and my connection with the divine. Why was life even worth living if suffering, imminent danger, and death was the only thing guaranteed?
It took a lot of time, self-reassurance, and exploration to finally let go of the heaviness of doom that I carried around for most of my youth. It wasn’t until I had a seizure at 29 that I finally woke up to the fact that life was passing me by and I wasn’t happy. Immediately, I knew that I had to make changes and the first act of my newfound confidence was moving into my own place again (https://youtu.be/pWLY2Flg0wo?si=JRxyHfNnYGLZpDqQ).
I thank my home for giving me the space to breathe, create, wail, adjust, and live freely...
I am still on the journey of Awakening Ebony… and I am finally at a point where I feel I can share my journey with the world. I am finally ready to show the world who I am, without fear of retribution. Asè.
To be continued…
I dedicate this series of personal newsletters “Awakening Ebony” to my daughter, Araya. You are my reason to love and legacy in life. May you find all the tidbits in the world that I left to guide you as useful. Remember that whether in physical or in spirit.. I am forever beside you.
“The Black Girl Survives In This One” x Evans & Fennell
Better late than never!
I know it has been some time since I promised this book review. As I mentioned in my previous post, Rollercoaster October 🎃 , this Fall/Winter was tumultuous with high highs, low lows, and rarely any break in between. I got myself together though !
“The Black Girl Survives In This One” is a riveting collection of eery stories centered around black women. Its pages ooze illustrious details of various topics such as sci-fi, spirituality, and fantasy. Each stories landscape boasts luxurious features that make the read a journey of the mind. Read and listen to the audiobook for a heightened experience.
Every story, despite being written by different authors, permeates the black experience throughout. From familial bonds and interactions, to friendships and their relational quirks… the authors’ of each story in this collection capture the essence of blackness in a way that makes the scary, page turning experience seem all too REAL. I most enjoyed the balancing of friendship within the stories, as most of them sparked inquiry into my own personal defense mechanisms, loyalty of relationships, and imagery limits.
I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to be taken on an adventure with the reassurance that the main character survives in the end. Although that reassurance provides a safe net, the stories are still both intriguing and frightening. It is collection of fearful fantasies, well stringed together, for maximum terror. Maybe, a movie?
Ebony Queen
Queendom,
We’re almost halfway through November and I owe you all an explanation. At the beginning of October, I had a good momentum going and promised a few things that I was not able to release according to plan. I’m not one for excuses so I’ll cut straight to the point… Hurricane Milton blew my ass away. If you follow me on social media, you likely already know that my home was in an evacuation zone and I was forced to evacuate. Thank god I did because upon my return, I was met with extensive damage. While in the process of releasing and restoring what was lost, I also celebrated another Solar Return. Before I knew it, it was November!
The evacuation, my birthday, daylight savings time, and the election took all my time and energy. Today is November 13th, 2024 and I am just now feeling like I am somewhat catching up. I still have a lot to do, thus, why I felt it was necessary to come here. I owe you all a book review, a new song, and Queendom Articles’ first article. I appreciate your understanding and continued support during this time.
With that said, I also want to announce that I will likely being deleting my account on X/Twitter. Unfortunately, recent enlightenments have revealed that X will soon begin to train its AI using information gathered through its platform users. As a creative, this is dangerous to my livelihood and life. Over the years, after deleting a previous account, I have gathered a following and curated a timeline that was full of information that I felt was necessary to share with my platform. I will remain diligent with sharing important news stories on topics that are important to know the facts on and highlighting qualified experts that can source those facts.
Most of my updates will be released via this site now, which ironically, was a transition I was wanting to make anyway. Must be that collective consciousness!
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