mental-health – Queendom Entertainment

Being myself without the pressures of societal and familial expectations started out with me sitting in silence, alone, wondering who I am and what I wanted without those influences. Was college MY dream? Was I pursuing traditional monogamy because of MY desires or my indoctrination? Who was I outside of the titles that I carried daily… when I got home each day and stripped myself down to just me?

It was then that I realized I hadn’t really taken the time to learn and develop myself to my own standards. I wasn’t pursuing my dream job. I wasn’t wearing clothing and perfumes that I had REALLY chosen for myself. I wore what I liked, but mostly, what I thought others would like…. what I thought my conservative family with their piercing judgement may not make a negative comment about. What I thought would attract the type of men that I was “supposed” to attract. I wasn’t building towards the lifestyle I wanted. I was living in the reality that others seen for me.

Breaking free felt orgasmic… literally lol. I vibrated myself into oblivion. I shopped the stores for smells that pulsed off my body just the way I liked. I explored my kinks relentlessly. I donned different wigs to feel out which color felt like mine. I donated the clothes and furniture that weren’t my style. I developed my rituals according to my own desires. I finally showered myself with a kind of love I had never truly allowed myself to have…self-love.

Getting comfortable in my self-love wasn’t hard once I understood what it was and how it made me happy. It was hard for others. I had to set boundaries that cut people off from my expected empathy, unselfishness, and forgiveness. This angered some and made others distant. A few even disappeared. You never know how much a person truly values you until you can’t show up for them… whether it be the first time you’ve said no or the last time you said yes, some loyalty is always dependent upon transactions. For me? I had to let that go, no matter how much it hurt because either way it went… It was always me that was left carrying the pain.

I am throughly enjoying learning myself and growing into who I truly want to be. It’s not all shits and giggles though. It required letting the built up real, raw, heart wrenching emotion free. The disappointments, betrayals, and let-downs… I had to feel them before I could release them. But if I wanted to be comfortable… in my own skin, it was necessary.

Comfort isn’t just given or awarded to anyone. It’s yearned for… it’s earned. For the earliest half of my life, I was yearning… to just be me. Freely. But now, I am free…comfortably.

https://queendomentertainment.com/2025/04/30/awakening-ebony/

I’ve spent a lot of time staring at blankness. Blank pages in all the journals and notebooks with fancy covers that I’ve accumulated over the years… waiting for the words that align with the ones flying around in my mind to magically appear on the pages. Blank pages on computer screens… waiting for every story that lingers in my creative pockets to find its way out on its own. I’ve held back from so much in life… writing included. This year, I entered a phase of my life where I am refusing to keep holding back. I have to let go of all of my expectations and fears, and just live… Life is passing me by regardless of if I am nestled away comfortably in my shell or outside being the person I’m destined to be.

A lot has happened in the last few years. For the first time since 2013, I live alone. No roommates, no family, no man… just me and baby girl, day in and day out. For years, I carried around a deep anxiety that would sit in the pit of my stomach. It never seemed to go away entirely. If it wasn’t bellowing deep in my belly during a stressful situation, it was lingering behind when I was trying my absolute best to not feel it. I learned to suppress it as best I could, chalking it up to a social anxiety that I would just have to get used to carrying. Shockingly… as I grew into my new home, adding personal touches to make it my own, that pit began to melt away….

I found myself delving into passions that I had once forsaken for double employment, relationships, vices, and unresolved emotions. As I re-explored myself and my passions I was able to pinpoint things about myself that previously I wouldn’t have had the capacity to pay attention to. I was too busy being the listener for the talker, the do-er for the needy, and the friend that always put everyone else’s needs over her own. I lessened my light to make it easier for others to feel loved, heard, and comfortable around me. I never really got that in return… Now that I was living alone though, I could do anything and everything I ever wanted, without the weight of catering to another adult human being. I was discovering myself…

I’ve always know who I am, in a sense. But I never had the freedom to be my truest self without insecurity, judgement, or reservation. I kept myself from being the full extent of who I am deep down. I refrained from saying what I was really thinking. I’ve refused to go to places that I should’ve went. I am not doing that anymore.

In order to release and live, I needed to face myself. Throughout my years, I unknowingly carried traumas I didn’t even recognize. The largest being indoctrination. I believe everyone should have the freedom to express their love for God how they see fit. However, our society has brought us up to believe that everyone’s beliefs except their own are wrong. Without naming the organization (cause I’m just not ready for that yet), I too was the victim of a religion that enveloped me as a youth and warped my perspective of the world. Not to say that it was a bad religion or that it was evil. It just wasn’t what I believed in. I didn’t feel my connection to God through that type of congregation. But growing up in the midst of it, you learn that speaking up against it could get you in trouble you may not be ready for.

How did that indoctrination affect me in my youth? It kept me from self-love and self-pleasure. It shielded me from the real woes of life as a means of protection, which ultimately, just left me lost in the world. I knew the word of God and stories of the Bible, but that’s not the world I was met with. I couldn’t maneuver life healthily because I was taught that you had to remain perfect even though the world was doomed from the start. This crippled my emotions, my dreams, and my connection with the divine. Why was life even worth living if suffering, imminent danger, and death was the only thing guaranteed?

It took a lot of time, self-reassurance, and exploration to finally let go of the heaviness of doom that I carried around for most of my youth. It wasn’t until I had a seizure at 29 that I finally woke up to the fact that life was passing me by and I wasn’t happy. Immediately, I knew that I had to make changes and the first act of my newfound confidence was moving into my own place again (https://youtu.be/pWLY2Flg0wo?si=JRxyHfNnYGLZpDqQ).

I thank my home for giving me the space to breathe, create, wail, adjust, and live freely...

I am still on the journey of Awakening Ebony… and I am finally at a point where I feel I can share my journey with the world. I am finally ready to show the world who I am, without fear of retribution. Asè.

To be continued…

I dedicate this series of personal newsletters “Awakening Ebony” to my daughter, Araya. You are my reason to love and legacy in life. May you find all the tidbits in the world that I left to guide you as useful. Remember that whether in physical or in spirit.. I am forever beside you.