On February 14th, 2023, I stopped having sex. Cold turkey. It wasn’t planned, it was triggered. My trust was betrayed and from that day on, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t matter the man or the circumstances, I just wasn’t interested. Now, it is July 7th, 2024 and I just recently broke my celibacy streak.

As a Scorpio, sexuality oozes through us naturally. It is almost always assumed that we are overtly sexual and lustful beings. In actuality though, yeah, we kinda are… but only if we are enthralled with someone who we trust entirely. I’m talking years of pulling back layers to uncover the sexual prowess that is so frequently assumed of Scorpios. Unless… the scorpio is un-evolved.

Once upon a time, I was sacred with sex, but not enough. I fell in love with emotionally unavailable men and often found myself in relationships where I gave more than I received. As I age and reflect on my love life, I realized I was disrespectful to myself back then. I didn’t love me enough to wait… to be loved correctly. Why was that?

This betrayal jarred me to reality. As much as I love sex and all things pertaining to it, I knew was worthy of better. I am worthy of receiving the kind of love I give. & No matter how much of myself I gave, it wasn’t enough…so I stopped.

In the beginning, it was hard. There is no feeling quite like the feeling of the tip of a hard dick splitting your walls apart on the first stroke. But I had to commit to loving myself, before I could love the way someone else could make me “feel”. Things were dry at the start.

I didn’t twerk for my health. I couldn’t be naked for long. I didn’t feel wanted or I did feel wanted, but only in that way. I was just going about my days seeking pleasure in other things like food and outings. & for a while, I had forgotten about sex. During that time, I re-found my love for many things outside of sex again.

Eventually though, I began to feel lust building in my body. It started subtly. I could feel my pussy get a little wet with the forbidden glimpse of a jumping dick in public. I’d catch myself getting lost in a daze of hot ex sex flashbacks. Until, one day, I couldn’t resist. I let myself touch me again.

I made love to myself incessantly. Like I had just discovered myself for the first time in life, all over again. I explored the depths of my solo desires alone for months. I researched all the kinks and freak shit my little heart could take. & soon, I emerged a new woman.

One day, I woke up feeling like I knew myself in ways I had never known before. It wasn’t just because of the bean-flicking either. The combination of abstaining completely, even from solo play, to a period of only sexual self exploration introduced me to a version of me I had never been before. A woman that loves herself first.

I emerged more confident, self-aware, and strong. I was no longer influenced by desire and empty advances. I allowed myself to be sexy and sexual without that having to involve anyone else at all. I began adorning myself and doing my make-up again, a practice that had taken a backseat to my relationships many years ago. I started caring about what I wore in public again and began taking more detailed pride in the way I cared for myself.

Once all these stages were complete, I had come to conclusion that not only did this hiatus do me well. It opened my eyes to the reality of sex. That while it is enjoyable and desirable, it is not meant to under indulged or overindulged. Sex is a human entity and facet of life. It is meant to be explored and enjoyed. It is meant to be what each person makes of it and should leave those participating feeling loved, empowered, sexy, and safe.

Ultimately, pondering on this notion is what prompted me to rediscover penetration. This time, as a WOMAN. I went into sexuality without shame or pressure. The power and the plays are in my hands, I determine who I climb on and when I will indulge myself in dick. This time, it won’t be about trying to fulfill societal roles or pleasing a man. It’ll be me getting dicked down because I want it, I deserve it, and because I can.

Ebony Queen