Being myself without the pressures of societal and familial expectations started out with me sitting in silence, alone, wondering who I am and what I wanted without those influences. Was college MY dream? Was I pursuing traditional monogamy because of MY desires or my indoctrination? Who was I outside of the titles that I carried daily… when I got home each day and stripped myself down to just me?
It was then that I realized I hadn’t really taken the time to learn and develop myself to my own standards. I wasn’t pursuing my dream job. I wasn’t wearing clothing and perfumes that I had REALLY chosen for myself. I wore what I liked, but mostly, what I thought others would like…. what I thought my conservative family with their piercing judgement may not make a negative comment about. What I thought would attract the type of men that I was “supposed” to attract. I wasn’t building towards the lifestyle I wanted. I was living in the reality that others seen for me.
Breaking free felt orgasmic… literally lol. I vibrated myself into oblivion. I shopped the stores for smells that pulsed off my body just the way I liked. I explored my kinks relentlessly. I donned different wigs to feel out which color felt like mine. I donated the clothes and furniture that weren’t my style. I developed my rituals according to my own desires. I finally showered myself with a kind of love I had never truly allowed myself to have…self-love.
Getting comfortable in my self-love wasn’t hard once I understood what it was and how it made me happy. It was hard for others. I had to set boundaries that cut people off from my expected empathy, unselfishness, and forgiveness. This angered some and made others distant. A few even disappeared. You never know how much a person truly values you until you can’t show up for them… whether it be the first time you’ve said no or the last time you said yes, some loyalty is always dependent upon transactions. For me? I had to let that go, no matter how much it hurt because either way it went… It was always me that was left carrying the pain.
I am throughly enjoying learning myself and growing into who I truly want to be. It’s not all shits and giggles though. It required letting the built up real, raw, heart wrenching emotion free. The disappointments, betrayals, and let-downs… I had to feel them before I could release them. But if I wanted to be comfortable… in my own skin, it was necessary.
Comfort isn’t just given or awarded to anyone. It’s yearned for… it’s earned. For the earliest half of my life, I was yearning… to just be me. Freely. But now, I am free…comfortably.
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